Dancing the Twelve Step because there is no Two Step

I’m in a 12-step program having never used alcohol or drugs.

I’m in a 12-step program having never been a sex or porn addict.

I’m in a 12-step program having always believed in a higher power and in the idea that I am not in control of outcomes.

I am in a 12-step program having prayed 5 times a day for years.

I’m in a 12-step program because I’ve lived my life practicing step 1.

I’m in a 12-step program having gone to the Hajj — having made the pilgrimage to Mecca to seek out God and seek God’s acceptance, to repent and seek forgiveness.

I’m in a 12-step program having never cheated on a spouse or stolen from a friend or hurt others deliberately or for a prolonged period of time.

I’m in a 12-step program having spent my life trying to live deliberately and believing that I cannot sin in my anger, that my pain is not an excuse to cause pain to others.

I’m in a 12-step program needing no absolution.

I’m in a 12-step program and there is something that feels fundamentally and profoundly pathetic about that given my life and my choices and my circumstances.

I’m in a 12-step program because I’ve been living the 12-steps my whole life but all in the wrong places. Outside of 12-steppers, 12-stepping will drive you to drink, or do drugs, or seek out dangerous sex or be a love addict because everyone else is doing a different dance.

I’m in a 12-step program because there is no program from being the wrong kind of sober, the kind of sober that is based on knowing other people struggle with alcohol and not wanting to be part of that system of oppression.

I’m in a 12-step program and I’m learning the joys of smoking and alcohol.

I’m in a 12-step program and learning things about drugs I never knew before like you can become addicted to gabapentin.

I’m in a 12-step program and if I wasn’t an alcoholic or drug addict before, I’m learning how to be one now.

I’m in a 12-step program because there is no program for what actually ails me. There is no twelve-step program for being brown or Muslim or Palestinian or Muslim-and-gay or gay-and-Muslim or seeking to live a God-conscious life.

I’m in a 12-step program because I am a misfit and so I might as well be in treatment that doesn’t quite fit.

By being in a 12-step program, I’ve learned that some people struggling with alcohol are triggered all the time. I thought it was possible to escape alcohol if you wanted to. I didn’t realize it is not. They are triggered by alcohol in the grocery store and the drive-through and the gas station and the billboards on the road. They are triggered by commercials on TV showing people having a good time while drinking, by the “It’s 5 o clock somewhere” culture, and the association of wine with all things high class and celebratory and good.

They’re triggered all the time, just like me.

Be being in a 12-step program I realize I need an emotional sponsor and a recovery plan that includes regular, reliable sources of support.

It might be okay to be in a 12-step program because I’m addicted to depression and anxiety and fear and negative thought spirals and I might wake up one morning -or two or twenty- and it will help if I have someone to call and say: “I think I’m falling off the cliff today, can you help me?”

I’m in a 12-step program and I’m going to make the most of it because what’s a better alternative?

--

--

--

The world's most intersectional man.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

hello, you.

18 Months Sober (Almost)

Steps of Codependency Recovery

Locking Kids in Hospital “Coercion Units” Reflects the Government’s Failure to Create a…

6 Monument Therapists On How To Stay Motivated In The New Year

7 Myths About Treatment To Change Your Drinking, Debunked.

How I Get Through ‘Day One’ (And You Can Too)

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Light Squared

Light Squared

The world's most intersectional man.

More from Medium

My first tattoo experience

Incoherent speech #1

The Music That Shaped My Career

My Family Loves Football. But Esports Feel Like Home